it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
