I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
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Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
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I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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