I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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