I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
