Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
