i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
