Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Randomize
