Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
