dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
