Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
