Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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