Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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