I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
