getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
