I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
