So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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