you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
