2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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