Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
being pregnant is like rehab
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
