My Higher Power is John Stamos
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
