Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
