Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
