I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
