the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
