Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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