it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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