ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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