It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
