I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
