theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
don't judge my taste in strippers
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
