He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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