so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
