Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
