I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
