some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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