you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
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You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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