he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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