My cat gives me a boner
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it's great music for shaving your balls
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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