You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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