you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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