So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
