My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
