Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
