And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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