im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
