i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
