He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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