About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
