I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
it's like iHOP with fire
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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