i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
