dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
