you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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