Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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